Changes. . .

Change.

Those who know me well know I’m not the biggest fan of it. Yet when we moved to Hawaii, I think I did quite well with the change. I think Erik would agree. It was an easier transition than we thought it would be. Sometimes we wonder if it’s because we braced ourselves for it to be hard. Really hard.

Yes, there were hard days. Days when I wanted to run home to Seattle. To be able to get in a car and drive to see my parents or meet a friend for coffee or run with one of my best friends, through gasworks park. I want to be there. To be in that place. To be connected. But I’m here and though for a year and a half it’s been “easier” than we thought. Now, though, it seems now to be getting harder.

           

It’s not the big changes that you brace for that take you off guard, but the little, day-to-day, rock in your shoe, something is off, feelings that are the ones that I struggle the most with. The ones that I don’t even have the illusion of control over.

Lately, over the last few months we’ve had a lot of those.

Some friends moved away. Other friends had a baby. More friends are traveling. Some are exploring going to other churches. None of them are really all that “bad,” and yet they have me screaming inside, “Make it stop!”

I just got used to this. I just got used to living in Hawaii, to the friends I have here, to the routine I have here, to the smiling faces I get to see every week, to our small group and sharing life with people on a regular basis, and now, all that has changed.

And I don’t know what to do about it, or rather with it.

I could l sit here and say “It’s just a season,” like so many in Christian circles frequently do. And yet, isn’t all of life “just a season”? Everything is constantly changing. That’s how God intended it. Without change we wouldn’t grow, we wouldn’t struggle, we wouldn’t experience deep, deep joy. We wouldn’t grow in intimacy with Jesus or with others.

And even if this were “just a season” does that mean I should fritter it away? Bide my time until something changes again and “life” restarts? I think I have spent far too much of my life doing that. Waiting. Longing. Dreaming of what could be. I want to learn to live in the what is. In today. Even if it’s hard.

But I don’t know where to start.

Things have changed and part of me desperately wants to believe that this is just a season, that things will go back to how they were before. I want to settle back into my comfortable routine. But there’s a real possibility that keeps knocking on my soul: Maybe things won’t go back to how they were before. Maybe the changes in people’s lives are for good. Maybe my relationships are changing. I don’t like it. But the reality is it could be true. And let’s be honest, it probably is. So how do I embrace that? How do I love deeply in the midst of discontentment? How do I empty myself out and allow Christ to fill me when I feel alone and longing for connections I used to have?

I’m heading back to Seattle for work next week. It’s a wonderful blessing to have a work trip that will allow me to see family and friends. I really wanted to go back this summer. And yet, now that it’s coming up I’m fearful of it. Fearful of the reality of changes there too.  I haven’t lived there for 18 months. The relationships I had there are different. And what if I get there and want to stay? What if I don’t want to come back to this life here? What if…What if…

Erik and Jude will be “home” in Honolulu so I know I will be eager to see them, yet with so many things feeling different, it’s hard to know where to plant my feet and how to rest my heart.

I’m thankful that God is good and He is with me, because as you can probably tell, on my own, I am quite a mess.